"A lie can travel halfway across the world while the truth is putting it's pants on" - Winston Churchill
--PROMO BEGIN--
This is a very special week.
Indeed, this week is a very special week. Because this week, i finally realize what i have been telling everybody i am going to do for the last couple on months. Because this week, i am going to convince everybody of what i have been saying over the last month. I am going to prove to the world that i am the Technical Messiah of professional wrestling. I am the wrestling prodigy, and i am going to make sure that when the dust settles, i will be standing on top of the world, with 29 other wrestlers laid out on the outside of the ring, and the people going out of MPW's biggest PPV yet all with one name on their mind.
Drake. Hunter.
It is a name that has been the part of Millennium Pro Wrestling since the beginning. I've had limited success when it came to appealing to the fans, and now that those horrid people no longer have any of my attention, it's time for me to show the world what i am really capable of.
Because when i step into that ring this week, the arrogance goes, the Punk goes, the voices go, the only thing that remains, is Drake Hunter. The only thing remaining, is my desire. And my desire cannot be matched. It is because of my goal, my desire to prove to the world that i'm the only person in this company - no, in this business, is capable of taking Johnny Clash out and bringing true meaning to that Millennium Pro Wrestling World Heavyweight championship.
Because my cause is the only just one in this business. I am the Technical Messiah of professional wrestling, i am going to save this business from the massive popularity contest that seems to be engulfing it even more every day. Why do you think Trey Baxter, Ash Soulsfate, and Rage are always thrust into the spotlight? Because of you people, because you are the ones that dictate this popularity contest that has turned the professional wrestling world into what it is today.
And this week, when Chalk Outline booms throughout that massive arena and the thousands upon thousands of fans are all booing my name with their useless, stupid voices, i will slide into that ring, and then there will be no more talk, no more nonsense and no more personal issues - there will only be pain, inflicted to all who stand in my path, and all who get in my way from becoming the World Heavyweight champion.
And yes, that includes Johnny Clash. Or Ash Soulsfate.
Johnny and I have had a......decorated past. From the days of NYCCW to our times in MPW, we've had countless encounters, and had what is one of the greatest matches in the history of Millennium Punk Wrestling at High Stakes. And now, it seems we're cohorts.
It's no secret that Johnny Clash has....employed....the Age of Arrogance to do his dirty work. To those people who say that we're simply Clash's cronies, i simply laugh at their stupidity. You see, Cable and I have always had an agenda. No matter what we've done, we've always had a plan. And now is no different, only this plan is pretty straightforward.
We go out there. And we beat the living hell out of people we don't like.
To do that, we aligned ourselves with the best there is in this company - besides ourselves of course - and guess what? We ended up with the most powerful man in MPW, a man that holds all the cards, all the power, and definitely all the opportunity. We aligned ourselves with the general manager, and we did the smart thing. Because in the end, who is going to succeed in this world?
The superhero? The dumbass strong man? The enigmatic high flyer? Or the smart ones.
And guess what? We're the smart ones.
Because at the end of the day, that rumble is going to come down to two very important things. Who's the smartest, and who's the most resilient.
And those are two things which i do not lose at. You will never meet somebody smarter than me in that ring. And just because i use underhanded tactics and cheat, does not make me any less of a wrestler. My trainer was one of the dirtiest players in the book. He never knew how to hit a double spinning 450 splash with a curve dive that lands on the back and looks incredible.
No, he knew how to play dirty, he knew when the right time was to strike, and when the was the right time to take a calculated retreat. And most importantly, he knew exactly how to survive.
And in this rumble match, when thirty men and women are going to go toe to toe with one another and give the hearts inside that ring, they are going to beat the crap out of one another, they are going to practically destroy each other in hope of that glorious title shot, at MPW's inaugural grand PPV, Road To Glory.
And when the dust settles, and everybody is laid out on the mat, because they've all torn each other to bits, and every single one of them is lying at my feet, i will have my arm raised high in the air, because I am the Best wrestler in this company.
Not because i'm strong. Not because i'm a high flyer. Not even because i'm athletic. And while i possess all three of those features, the only reason I need to prove to you all that i am going to win that MPW Army of One rumble....
Is that i know how to survive.
And if there's one thing i learnt in life, it's how to survive.
At some stage in our lives, we all go through pain. We all go through hardships, and one way or another, we all overcome pain at some point in our lives. It doesn't matter if it's some fat kid trying to run 100 metres or a prostitute feeling down after a bad night, we all overcome pain at some stage in our long, eventful lives.
Pain is a central part of human life. If you do not feel pain, you are not human, it is simple as that. Because pain does not just come in the conventional sense. Pain is not something that all of us would be able to feel when our arm hurts, or when our leg's broken. No, pain can be more than that, much more.
Pain can be feeling as if the world has got it in for you, as if nothing is going wrong and it's completely eating you inside. Pain can be coming back from a long day at work with nobody there to spend time with you, but most of all....
Pain can be when you feel at your most intimidated, at your most vulnerable, and at the times when fear completely envelops you.
Because fear is the one feeling in the entire human body that can change a person. fear can drive people to the brink of insanity, and sometimes even further than that. Fear can instil more pain than any weapon, any gun or any sword. Fear is used as one of the greatest tools in the use of human history for bending people to their will.
And it's exactly what i am going to use at the Army of One rumble match.
Because when i step into that ring, i am going to make sure that everybody, before they fly over that top rope, fears me. Because i can guarantee you, i can guarantee damn well everybody that will step inside that ring, and i can definitely guarantee every single fan in that arena, that i will be the one that needs to be feared at the Rumble.
Because after i have some fun getting back my Sin City championship, i am going to secure a place in the main event of Road to Glory. And when i do that, every, single person in that damn company is going to fear me. From the champ to the freaking janitors, i will be known forever as the first ever winner of the MPW Army of One rumble.
And i will be known as the champion soon after that. Because when i step into that ring, i am not going to be feared because i am technical. I am not going to be feared because i am a high flyer, i'm not even going to be feared because i am arrogant. I am going to be feared....
Because i'm a survivor.
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"Hey, catch." Cable says, tossing me another ice cold VB. He slowly walks over, keeping an eye on what's currently on the TV - just some Seinfeld re-runs - but who doesn't like Seinfeld re-runs?
He leans back and falls onto the couch, pulling open the can of VB as he does so, and as his back hits the sofa he raises the can of beer to his mouth and takes a gulp, not even properly seated yet. It's probably the smoothest thing he's able to do - other than hit a rolling elbow.
"I still don't understand how you can time that so perfectly." I say, looking at him with a bewildered expression.
"It's an art form." He says, taking another swig of the cold beer.
"Oh really? What do you call it? The art of laziness?" I say, doing the same.
He pauses for a moment as he considers the question, and then replies. "Yeah pretty much."
I laugh as he leans back once more and watches the TV, and it's when the show goes to commercial that things start to get down to business.
"So, what's your plan for the Rumble?" He says, eyeing me carefully. He knows basically everything about me, but basically is the keyword there. He isn't aware of all the secrets i have, and he certainly isn't aware of the way i think when i let my mind run free.
"Plan? Do i need a plan? I think it's perfectly simple, i go in there, wreak havoc alongside my trusty partner, and then win the whole thing, with twenty-nine other's lying at my feet."
Cable looks at me uneasily, as if he was hiding something, or he was afraid to tell me something because of the repercussions. I laugh as i realize what he's looking at me for.
"I'm sorry Chris, you're my best friend, and nothing will change that. We are the Age of Arrogance, and we are going to usher in a new era into the world of wrestling - you know that. To do that, we're going to have to get our hands on as many championships as possible, because when we do that, people will notice, and when that happens, change will be imminent."
He looks slightly more reassured, but just to be sure i continue.
"Going into the rumble we work as a team, as a unit, like we always have. But nothing will stop me from taking that championship opportunity with both my hands. Nothing will stop me from becoming World Heavyweight champion." I say, taking another swig of beer as i lean back, exceptionally relaxed and seemingly without a worry in the world.
"Chris, i know what you said to the cameras, and that twerp Tim Bowers, but i'm not expecting you to simply let me win. We've fought each other before, and i'll be happy to do it again, but believe me, if it comes down to the two of us, nothing will stop me from winning that match. Nothing."
Cable looks up at me with a look of understanding, one that tells me that he knows how much i want this title shot, how much i want to be the World champion. However, hidden beneath that look is one of pure determination, like he desperately wants to elbow me in the jaw to prove to me that he has what it takes too.
"Chris, i know you've got what it takes to win that rumble. But so do I. And i plan to make sure that my hunger is greater than every single wrestler inside that ring, and if it's the guy who's always got my back, as i have his, then so be it."
It takes me a second to realize we're both standing up, looking each other in the eye, a death stare shared between us as my signature smirk remains planted on my face, like always.
"At the end of the day, nobody can stop us." Cable says, the words barely more than a whisper. I nod, slowly, but emphatically, and as we separate slightly, still eyeing each other, i raise my VB can.
"Cheers to the Age of Arrogance taking over."
Cable raises his can as well, and the familiar sound of the clinking of metal seems to calm us down.
"Cheers." He says, finally smiling, a genuine smile as well, as he leans back and sits back down on the leather couch inside my condo.
The trip from LA back to Vegas was a strenuous one, albeit not that long with almost seven hundred horsepower in the middle of the Aventador. It only took just under four hours to get from the stadium in Anaheim to my condo in Vegas, only a block away from MPW headquarters, and when i arrived with Cable in tow, the first thing i could think to do was sleep.
But it was the dreams that haunted me, dreams of my past, dreams of pain, and fear, and survival. That last one is something that i'd rather not look back on.
In the AWA i was forced to survive matches that would kill a normal human being. In NYCCW i was forced to do the same, and in MPW, well, my legacy was just starting to be built, but one thing's for sure - i'll be damned if it's not more of the same.
But the thing that differs between the different companies - other than the management of course - is my experience. In the AWA I was nothing, a mere junior trying to make his way in the world of professional wrestling. And back then i switched between liking the fans and hating the fans - whatever the fools in management wanted me to do.
In NYCCW things were different. I was in control of my own fate, and for a while i was against the fans, and for a while i was with them. But one thing those two things shared in common, was that they were not what i am now. When i was against the fans in NYCCW, i did not seek to stop them from destroying professional wrestling, but simply ignored the fools.
Now, however, i actively seek to stop the fans from wrecking professional wrestling, because this professional wrestling business is dictated by those good-for-nothing people that watch us every night, wondering if "they're favourite is gonna win." It makes me sick.
And this week, i plan to put a stop to it.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts by a knocking at the door, looks like the company i ordered arrived.
"Oh my God Drake, it's been so long!!" The woman standing at the door as i pull it open is tall, especially since her parents were so small. She's almost twenty-three years of age, and the way she moves is as graceful as ever. Which, is handy, considering her name.
"Grace, nice to see you again."
I pull her by the hand, gently, into the room and Chris stands to attention at the sight of a gorgeous woman. And gorgeous is definitely the first word somebody would use to describe her.
About five foot eleven with extremely long legs, Grace Courtland was one of the first people i ever met on the wrestling scene. And possibly one of the best looking.
She has dark, flowing brown hair, almost perfect in my opinion, but then i can think of one person who's got better hair.
Wait, why the hell am i thinking about her? Could i seriously....no goddamned way i could...
Fuck!
Focus Drake, focus. You're letting feelings that don't matter get in the way of what does. What matters is this week. What matters is that Sin City championship you've got perched on your couch. What matters...is the rumble.
I breathe out slowly, reassured and completely back to my normal self. My normal, arrogant, uncaring and completely focused self. And then a buzzing in my pocket takes me out of my thoughts, and by the time i pull the iPhone out of my pocket and see what is on the screen, the relentless, egotistical somewhat psychopathic me is back in full control of myself, and i respond to the tweet with an added sense of ferocity to my words, not wanting to show her any sign of weakness, any sign of remorse.
Because i was going to enjoy taking her, and the other twenty-eight people in that ring, to pieces.
I open my eyes and realize that both Cable and Gracie are staring at me, both with the same knowing expression of 'snap out of it'. Looks like i've known both of them long enough that they simply know when i've stepped deep into my own thought.
"Hello? Drakey boy? Did you hear me?"
"No." It's Grace who responds, that sweet voice drifting through the air, and she sees the hint of a smile creep along the side of my face as she speaks, and makes full use of it. She waltzes over to me, placing her two arms on my shoulders and rests them there, looking into my eyes. My half smile becomes a full arrogant grin as i look back into that blue eyes and i see the past, i see everything that i've tried to forget.
I let the thought skip my mind however, not wanting to focus on anything but those beautiful blue eyes as she opens her mouth to speak.
"He said, would you like to introduce me to your friend here?"
I look over at Cable, and see her eyes staring down, at the ass of the girl with her hands on my shoulders. I roll my eyes as his dart up from their stationary position, trying to act innocent - it was always the feature that got me too.
"Grace Courtland, this is my best-friend and practically brother Chris Cable." I say, walking back over to the couch, grabbing my title along the way. Well sorry - Rage's title.
Actually that's wrong too.
Gracie extends her hand to Chris who shakes it, looking at me with that look of 'how do you always end up with the hot ones?' I laugh, as Gracie stares at me puzzled. I tell her to not worry about it as she takes a seat, pulling out a small tape recorder - eluding to the real reason she's here.
Chris, before seeing the tape recorder, looks at the time and turns back to me. When he sees the tape recorder he realizes something.
"Crap, i better go Drake. I've got an interview to do as well in a few hours and i'm doing it in gear, so i better go. I'll see you tomorrow mate, and we'll drive down Wednesday." Cable gets up from the couch, and i give him an acknowledging wave and he leaves, taking his last swig of beer and throwing the can behind him into the bin as he exits.
"Nice friend you've got there." Gracie says, pulling something out of the fridge. It's a bottle of champagne, i have no clue what year or brand it is, it's just a bottle of champagne - and Gracie always was adept at taking initiative and not bothering to ask before she pillaged my food.
"Oh sure Gracie, of course you can have some champagne! It's been so long, thanks for asking." I say, mockingly. She just gives me a playful kick as she pops the top off, the cork flying through the air before she pours herself a glass.
"I never asked when we were younger and it was fine with you."
"That was then, this is now." I say, more sure than anything i'd said for a long time - and i'm always sure about what i say.
"What happened to you Drake? The last time i ever saw you was when you were on the ramp at AWA Mania, kicking the jaw of some in the AWA, and then you stormed off, leaving everything behind - Australia, the AWA, Me. You only took Alyssa, and how'd that turn out?"
I look at her with an uninterested look on my face, and see that she's suddenly turned dead serious.
"I'll tell you exactly what happened." She sits there, awaiting an answer. "Tomorrow. Because now we've got an interview to do."
Gracie Courtland was the youngest reporter to get a break in Australian wrestling, which, admittedly wasn't very big - and still isn't today. We met when i was seventeen, after a year in the Australian Wrestling Association, and she conducted her first professional interview with me. Since then we'd been on and off, until i left the AWA, when i left my entire life behind, and i refused to talk to her.
"Fine." She says, obviously annoyed that she didn't get a straight answer. She picks up the tape recorder and puts on her best reporter face.
"So, ladies and gentlemen of Pro Wrestling Max magazine i am here with none other than the "Punk" himself, Drake Hunter." She pauses as i look at her, my arrogant smile spread across my face.
"Drake, this week is going to be one of the biggest tests of your career. You will go face to face with not only the "Goddess: Bliss, but more importantly, you will be on of thirty people to enter that Millennium Pro Wrestling ring and try to secure a World Heavyweight championship match with whoever is champion at the time, at MPW's flagship PPV, Road to Glory. This will all take place, in the inaugural MPW Army of One rumble."
"So Drake, my question to you is, how can you possibly ready yourself for such a humongous task?"
I smile arrogantly as i look down at the floor, taking in the whole prospect of what i am about to achieve on thursday.
"Humongous? This task is going to be our crowning achievement, the greatest achievement in the short history of the Age of Arrogance, and more personally, the second greatest achievement in my career - becoming the first every winner of the MPW Army of One Rumble. The first of course being the MPW World Heavyweight champion - something that i am going to accomplish at Road to Glory, whether i have to face Ash Soulsfate or Johnny Clash is irrelevant, because once i win this Rumble, nothing will stop me from claiming my rightful World title at MPW's flagship PPV."
"How can you be so confident, knowing that you will enter the ring against twenty-nine others, all vying for that same opportunity, for that same championship? Surely you must be at least a tiny bit wary of everybody else?"
I grin as i look her up and down, trying to see if she still remembered the way i thought.
"Believe me, if there was anybody in that ring that was worth my time, i would be wary. But there is nobody inside that ring that scares me, nobody that makes me fear them, and not even anybody in there that requires me to even think about them. But i'm going to talk about them anyway, because if i didn't, where's the fun in that?"
"Okay then..." Gracie grabs a sheet of paper from her notepad and looks at a piece of writing on it. "Let's start with the person that will most likely be your main rival when you meet twenty-nine other people in that Rumble; the "Goddess" Bliss."
I laugh at the mentioning of the woman i've been feuding with the past few weeks, and the same woman i'm going to fight inside that ring, one on one for my Sin City championship. But that was for another time, because this was about the rumble.
"Ah, the so-called "Goddess" of Millennium Punk Wrestling. You see, Bliss seems to be under the impression that she can win this thing. She seems to be just like the rest of these pointlessly optimistic idiots who think that if they release random gibberish from their mouths and flex some barely visible chest muscles they have a chance of defeating the Technical Messiah of professional wrestling."
"Onto that, actually, before we go any further into your fellow Rumble competitors - which we will get to. How can you classify yourself as the "Technical Messiah"?"
I look at her and see that she's smiling. She knows why i can classify myself as the Technical Messiah of pro wrestling, it's obviously a question her bosses wanted her to ask, probably dumbstruck by my proclamation of messianic qualities.
"I can classify myself as anything i want to classify myself as. You see, these people in professional wrestling turn the whole business into nothing but a popularity contest. Because the corporates only seek to make more money, nothing more, nothing less. All those jackasses in suits want to do is see how much dough they can roll in from a single event, or a single match being broadcasted on television."
"That is what Unsanctioned has been based on - a single match that they put on pay-per-view, because everybody in the world is tuning in to MPW - it's the biggest up-and-coming wrestling promotion, and probably television show, out there today. One match, as hardcore as possible, and as much promotional stuff to hype it up as is humanly possible. And for that, people pay money - their money - all to see if the person they most like wins."
"And guess what? If the one they don't like wins, then they get angry, and then they spend less money, and because these corporate douche-nozzles only care about the money, they do what the people want, they do what the people want, what the people beg for. They put people like Ash Soulsfate and Trey Baxter in the title picture, they put the most popular people on top of the business, and then the rest are simply thrown out, or put further down the tree - simply because they can't make as much money as those who are more popular."
"Why do you think Bliss has suddenly had a change of heart inside that ring, huh? Why do you think people like Johnny Clash and Jackson Blaze were looked so down upon by the corporate's huh? Because they're different. They're marauders, they're the bad guys in this wrestling world, and guess what? They're bad guys who could make money for corporates, and that annoyed the people in charge."
"Because even though people like Johnny Clash could make headlines, could completely and totally bring Millennium Pro - sorry - PUNK Wrestling, incredible amounts of money simply by wrestling and doing what they did best, they weren't as popular as people like Trey Baxter and Ash Soulsfate, and hell, even ME."
"Yes, i'll be the first to admit that i was the corporate lackey's little bitch for a while here in MPW, and hell, even in every other company i've wrestled in. But now, i am going to change all of that. Because i am the Technical Messiah of professional wrestling, and i am going to save the world of professional wrestling from this stupid, unnecessary and completely useless popularity game that has transformed the world of pro wrestling."
I see Gracie express the hint of a smile as she writes something down on her notepad and holds the tape recorder a little bit closer.
"Okay, so moving on to your opponents inside that MPW ring this week, twenty-nine other people will be wanting the exact same opportunity as you. So i guess the question is, how confident are you?"
"There is not a doubt in my mind that i am going to take home that title opportunity, because when i step into that ring, there is not anybody else in there who can match my desire, my unwavering determination, not because i want to bring glory to the people. Because i want to stop this popularity contest, because i am the Technical Messiah. Because i am the best, and i want to prove it."
"So who do you think your biggest rival is going to be?" She asks, and i smile, looking down as i think. The answer has been apparent to me for weeks, but i want it to look like i have to think.
"My biggest rival - which compared to me is still nothing - is going to be Miss Goddess, no doubt. Bliss has been prancing around ever since she came back, trying to say that she's going to win the rumble and go on to be the first female World champion in MPW's short history, and how she doesn't think i'm even worth a sweat."
"It's simple, Bliss's aspirations are cute, they really are, but at the end of the day, there is only one person who is going to walk out of the rumble with the victory, and that is me. Bliss seems to now have the side of the fans, and that will be her downfall. She's got determination, she's stubborn, and god help me if i didn't find her good looking."
A wary glance from Gracie.
"But she doesn't have my resolve. She doesn't have what i have - the greatest will among all of those wrestlers who step inside that wrestling ring, to survive. And guess what? I have that, i have all of that. Her determination is....admirable, and yet she isn't going to win, simple as that. There is no way that a barbie doll - albeit exceptionally beautiful barbie doll - is going to win that World Heavyweight championship, same way that there is no way a fat bloke with his troll of a wife is going to win the rumble, nor a hardcore reject who looks like he belongs in a bad heavy metal band, nor a person who claims to be the "Saviour" of the people and yet doesn't actually speak good English."
"Like i said, there is only one person who is capable of eliminating the other and standing tall upon a body of other wrestlers, and that is me.
By the end of that rumble, i will make sure that everybody, as they go over the top rope, knows that i am going to be the next World Heavyweight champion, that I am going to be the king of Millennium Punk Wrestling, and most of all, they are going to know, that Arrogance. Is. Best."
"Okay. Well you've talked about Bliss, your opponent in one on one competition, but what about your other competition in the rumble? Laura Tavares - Johnny's wife, TJ Pain, Kuk Killswitch, Taufik - and his sidekick Jamal, along with his tag partner Ian. Then you've got the likes of Brandon Nytrus, the Television champion Roxi Johnson - who you beat this past week, Christian Carter, Chicken, Real Steele - the tag team duo of brothers, Jason Xavier, and of course the two newest MPW superstars, Tristan Slater and Kandi Washington."
"Okay, so most of those people don't ever deserve a fiftieth of my attention, let alone all of it, but i'll try my best Gracie." She smiles at me, that smile i've seen since i was so young.
"First off, there's Laura Tavares. This is a woman that is married to the most powerful man in the company. If she wanted a title shot, she'd ask for one. I have a feeling the only reason Laura is in the bloody match is to make other people miserable - after all it is what she does best, other than sucking Johnny off i'm told. Laura won't win this, she can't even fight her own battles, and no matter who the Age of Arrogance is aligned with, one thing's for sure."
"If she gets in my way, she'll be running backstage trying to find her hubbie for a shoulder to cry on, because if she gets in my way, there is no way she's going to see me for longer than three seconds, because she's going to be going over the top rope, and all she'll be seeing is stars, the same stars that she probably gets put on her with glitter when she's feeling a bit down, just to cheer the 'Queen' up."
"Speaking of Queens, it seems we have a new lady calling herself the 'Queen' of Millennium Punk Wrestling. Miss Kandi Washington arrived here a couple of days ago, and boy did she arrive with an impact. Taking out Laura Tavares, wow, she did what a third grader could do with one arm tied behind his back. I don't know who names themselves after a confectionery sweet, or why she thinks she's the 'Queen' of Millennium Punk Wrestling, but she seems to have a good taste in wrestlers when she spoke to me on twitter, and her rack's not too bad either. One thing's for certain though, there ain't no way some primadonna wannabe 'Queen' is winning the rumble, nor any of her little lackeys. Again, if they get in my way, they're going over."
"Then we've got people like Christian Carter, Jason X, and Chicken. Three people who wouldn't cross my mind even if they were standing three centimetres in front of me. They're nobodies, never were anything, never going to be anything. You've got one guy so obsessed to video games you'd think he was a part of the Big Bang Theory, then you've got a long-haired old hack who used to be a part of a washed up stable and is now challenging - unsuccessfully so far i might add - for the weakest title in MPW, and then you've got somebody named Chicken. Enough said."
"Real Steele. A name which you'd think would lead you to a couple of big, burly men with little IQ. Nope, instead you just get the IQ bit. These are two people who would get mixed up between a wrestling ring and a sack of oranges. They'd probably start stomping the oranges, and wouldn't realize their mistake until the juice got into their eyes. I have no doubt that Real Steele will enter the rumble thinking that it's a juice bar, and then they'll probably eliminate themselves, because they're good like that."
"Who's next? Of course, the idiot and his boyfriend. And of course their little lackey - or sex slave, i haven't decided yet. Taufik and Ian, accompanied by little Jamal. Did you know when i first saw the name Jamal i thought he was Taufik's pet monkey? He only convinced me otherwise when he actually took a shit in the bathroom, and even that stank like a gorilla - here i thought Rage was bad. Taufik thinks he's the 'saviour', and yet all i see is a bald man with some big words and very little action. He's one half of the tag team champions. Congratulations, and the past champions were who exactly? That's right, nobody remembers them, because they high-tailed it. Taufik and Ian basically just picked up those belts off the floor."
"Saying your one half of the tag team champions in Taufik and Ian's case is like saying you're one half of Justin Bieber. Taufik is the upper body, trying to look all suave, and whenever he opens his mouth little children scream as if it's the boogeyman. Meanwhile Ian is the lower half - practically useless at all times, except when in need of running away like a little girl. That's when Taufik does the screaming."
"Who else is there? Well there's Brandon Nytrus, somebody who's just won a title in the greatest money making scheme of the modern television age - Unsanctioned - and somebody who thinks that holding the X-Core title makes him thirty pounds bigger and more menacing. Newsflash! All it does is make you look like a gigantic knob, walking around with a children's belt."
"Maybe that's why Brandon entered the Rumble, because the moment he picked up that X-Core title belt he realized it had less value than a rotten potato and couldn't live with the shame, so he had to try and find something better, something bigger. Well i don't care how big you are, or how hardcore you are, you're not me, you can't beat me, and at the end of the day, you're massive body is going to be sent toppling over the ropes with the rest."
"Speaking of hardcore, that brings me to the hardcore reject - with emphasis on the 'reject' - Kuk Killswitch. Another guy who seems to think himself as hardcore. But in the Rumble, it doesn't matter how many times you can raise an object over your head and smash it down on the back of some nobody, that doesn't count for squat inside that ring this week. What does count is being able to wrestle, and more importantly, being able to survive, something that i am expert in, and i don't care who you are, no matter whether or not you're hardcore, or whether or not you're a reject, there is no way that you are even getting close to my title shot."
"Then there's TJ Pain, who seems to have gone on an expert training diet of Big Mac's and vanilla smoothies, and taken a razor to his head with even looking in a mirror. Him and his bimbo wife can talk all they want, hell they can get inside the middle of that ring and start doing the Macarena for all i care - it would certainly make my job much easier. But it doesn't matter either way, because no matter how many donuts you stuff into your mouth before that match, i'll find a way of getting your massive figure over the ropes, even if i have to use a rope - hey i guess i could use your wife's hair extensions couldn't i?"
"Finally, there's the Television champion Roxi Johnson, somebody i beat just last week. Somebody who - as i said last week - dresses up in a superhero costume and tries to save the people from the baddies. Please, get over yourself Miss Superhero. If you think that you even have a slight chance of winning my title shot in this match then you've got a complete other thing coming, because there is nothing that will stop me, not you, not you're little superhero attire or gimmick, and certainly not your fist as you fly through the air like superman, sweep up Chicken and fly off into the night triumphant. If instead you could fly over the top rope, i would be much more grateful. And you'd be the doing the audience a favour, not having to see you anymore."
"And then finally, that brings us to our newest little wannabe, THE Tristan Slater. Now, this guy puzzles me. First, he comes in with only half a nickname, then he tries to proclaim that he's going to be the next big thing in this company, and that we should all be 'wary' of him, because he's the next 'Best in the World.' Well, Mr. Dumbass, we've already got one dweeb who thinks he's the best in the world in Trey Baxter, and one is definitely all we need."
"Because if you want to find the real best in the world, then stare into that screen when i'm being televised across the globe with my hand being raised after i dump your ass out of MY ring."
"And i still don't understand you're nickname - or rather lack of nickname. How the hell does the word THE constitute a nickname exactly? Either you're insanely stupid, and when you filled in your registration form for MPW you forgot to put in the second half of your nickname, and then when you saw your registration, your memory was so shit that you genuinely thought you only had half a nickname. Or, you think that 'Tristan Slater' is actually your nickname, therefore your 'The Tristan Slater'....followed by what exactly? It seems you don't actually have a name, so we're supposed to call you simply by your nickname."
"So, either you're a complete and utter moron - and if that's the case may I please suggest that you move from the world of wrestling to the world of porn - it's much more suited to people of your mental stature - and you seem to have the face for a camera - even if it isn't actually filming your face most of the time. Or, you're a complete and utter moron without a name. And if that's the case, then we really need to start putting up IQ restrictions on the contracts for this company, because we cannot afford out average IQ in this company to drop any less than it's already catastrophically low number."
"So there it is, every person that matters is going to be inside that ring on Thursday, fighting off against twenty-nine others as they try to win their opportunity for the biggest stage of them all."
"And sorry boys and girls, but nobody is going to stop me. Nobody."
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